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Man: Uh, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't. This is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
{ Pause }
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah, yes. Try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
Man: Thank you.
(Man walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you ditz! Your type really makes me puke. You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see. Well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah, yes. You want room 12A, just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank you.
(Man closes door.)
Mr. Barnard: (under his breath) Stupid git!
(Man walks down the corridor. He knocks on door.)
Instructor: Come in.
Man: Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
Instructor: I told you once.
Man: No, you haven't.
Instructor: Yes, I have.
Man: When?
Instructor: Just now.
Man: No, you didn't.
Instructor: Yes, I did.
Man: You didn't.
Instructor: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Instructor: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Instructor: Oh, I'm sorry. Just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
(Man pays money.)
Instructor: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Instructor: Look, let's get this thing clear. I quite definitely told you.
Man: No, you did not.
Instructor: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn't.
Instructor: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn't.
Instructor: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn't.
Instructor: Yes, I did.
Man: You didn't.
Instructor: Did.
Man: Oh, look. This isn't an argument.
Instructor: Yes, it is.
Man: No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Instructor: No, it isn't.
Man: It is!
Instructor: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Instructor: I did not.
Man: Oh, you did!!
Instructor: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Instructor: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Instructor: No, it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Instructor: No, you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Instructor: It can be.
Man: No, it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Instructor: No, it isn't.
Man: Yes, it is! It's not just contradiction.
Instructor: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying "No it isn't."
Instructor: Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
{ short pause }
Instructor: No, it isn't.
Man: It is.
Instructor: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
(Instructor rings bell.)
Instructor: Good morning.
Man: What?
Instructor: That's it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Instructor: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Instructor: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't.
{ Pause }
Instructor: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What??!!
Instructor: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh, come on!
(Instructor hums.)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Instructor: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
(Man pays money.)
Instructor: Thank you.
{ short pause }
Man: Well?
Instructor: Well, what?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
Instructor: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid!!!
Instructor: No, you didn't.
Man: I DID!!!
Instructor: No, you didn't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Instructor: Well, you didn't pay.
Man: Ah, ha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
Instructor: No, you haven't.
Man: Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Instructor: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh, I've had enough of this.
Instructor: No, you haven't.
Man: Oh, shut up!
(Man walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks, and the heels are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Complainer: If you complain nothing happens. You might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Complainer: Oh, my back hurts, it's not a very fine day, and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Man slams door. Walks down corridor. Opens next door.)
Man: Hello, I want to... Ohhh!
Second Instructor: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
Man: Uuuwwohh!!
Second Instructor: Better, better, but Waah. Waah! Put your hand there.
Man: No.
Second Instructor: Now..
Man: Waaaaah!!!
Second Instructor: Good, good! That's it!
Man: Stop hitting me!
Second Instructor: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!!!
Second Instructor Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Second Instructor: Why did you come in here then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Second Instructor: Oh, no. That's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept!
