"Who's on First?"

"Who's on First?"

Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks' manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look, Abbott. If you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know as strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names... like Dizzy Dean and...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean.

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofe'.

Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Oh, I see. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach, too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Do you know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well, I should.

Costello: Well, then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing first.

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's whose name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. You got a first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets the money.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott: He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign his name?

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you. Who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Okay.

Abbott: Alright.  

{ PAUSE }

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: Oh, he's on third. We're not talking about him.

Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on first?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Abbott: Alright, now what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. You got a outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Abbott: Who is playing first.

Costello: I'm not... Stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: And the left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

Costello: (fumbles words)

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look, look, look. You got a pitcher on the team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm telling you then.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is...

Costello: I'll break your arm you say who's on first!!! I want to know, what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Got a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: You know I'm a catcher, too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team, and a heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!!!

{ PAUSE }

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don't! You throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

Abbott: You're not saying that.

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: Listen. You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, and the guy runs to second.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third, and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

Costello: (fumbles words)

 The End